Unveiling the MarySues
by AidennPluto
Summary: Written because I miss the good stories. What would really happen if the YuYu characters met random girls? They won't know what hit them. Next up - Hiei. Includes an innocent fire demon and evil Kurama.
1. Koenma

**EDIT 11/28/09: **Fixed verb tenses. Not sure how they magically changed in the first place.

**A/N:** I have watched the Yu Yu Hakusho section on this site turn into Mary Sue heaven. It is painful, so very painful. The goods stories are slowly dwindling down. I hang on to the hope that one day, people will rediscover the beauty of writing Yu Yu Hakusho fanfiction about the Yu Yu Hakusho characters. Wouldn't that be something?

Anywho, here's my attempt at a parody.

**Disclaimer:** Don't sue. Mary Sue or legally sue. Both are pointless.

It was a beautiful day in Reikai. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping and the smart! readers were thinking "Do birds chirp in the land of the dead?"

But the writer is going to ignore that astute observation because it doesn't matter to her whether or not her story makes sense. Her explanation for all the things that don't make sense is "Dammit, it's my story, I can do whatever I want with it." And even though the smart! readers are annoyed they will continue reading because this is obviously a parody.

Ahem. As I was saying. Reikai. The sun shining. The birds chirping. Koenma sitting at his desk stamping papers and acting like a general baby. Right.

So, as Koenma was doing paperwork, he was humming the Pussycat Dolls' "When I Grow Up" and suddenly found the strange urge to dance. He poofed to his teenage form and started making awkward pelvic movements and singing in a high-pitched voice.

"When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna have boobies –"

Suddenly the door to his office swung open and slammed into the wall. We will ignore that fact that such big doors are bound to be heavy, and therefore would not slam. Koenma immediately smoothed his hair over and jumped into his desk, trying to look professional.

A mysterious mist came rolling out of the dark unknown beyond the doors. The shapely figure of an obviously female creature stepped into the room, surrounded by lightning to show off her amazing power. Koenma dropped to his knees, overwhelmed by the horrifying youki energy. Sensing that she was out for blood, he started begging for his life. That's how amazing she was.

"Oh, bootilicious female creature who has magically awoken my buried sexual desires, I beg thee to spare this pathetic lifeform that is the son of God! I will do anything for your mercy!"

The girl stepped out of the mist, quickly hiding the Halloween mist spray behind her back. She peered disdainfully down her perfect nose at Koenma. At this moment, the writer will detail her beauty using big words.

She was vertically unchallenged, with perfect legs up to her neck. A more perfect specimen in the curves department has never existed before. Even though he was terrified, Koenma couldn't help but admire her perfectly round boobs and squishable ass. She was dressed to perfection, with tight leather pants and a green tank-top that hugged her perfect body. Long, auburn hair with golden highlights hung to her waist in sheets of gold and cocoa. Her perfect mouth was unsmiling and her teeth, although invisible, were white and perfect.

But her eyes – OH her eyes! Never before had such eyes existed. A beautiful shade of emerald green with jade reflexes that mesmerized with their uniqueness. And yet, such a tale of sorrow and horror they told that Koenma immediately wondered what dark past this creature beheld. Oh, woe, how terrible those eyes were! Hiding secrets no mortal should have to bear behind impressive beauty.

Stunned and overwhelmed, Koenma stuttered "Who – who art thou, you orgasmic creature, you?"

The girl tossed her head, unconsciously making her beauty even more apparent. "My name," said she and oh! her voice was like thousands of tinkling bells, dark and terrible but at the same time beautiful like her, "is Elmadora".

Here, the writer will take a brief moment to pause and smirk smugly. She knows that most MarySues have long, elaborate name, but her character has a short yet unique name (nevermind that it's hideous), therefore Elmadora is not a MarySue. Take that, Sue-bashers!

"I am here," she continued, with pauses that were meant to build up suspense but that only succeeded in making her sound mentally retarded, "to find… my brother!"

Shock! Oh blinding shock! No one saw that coming!

"Oh, and who, pray tell, is unfortunate enough to have thee as a sister? For he is truly a sorry soul – unable have impure thoughts about thee! Oh, the poor bastard who is forbidden to love you!"

"My brother," again, she pauses, "is Youko Kurama!"

Shock! Again!

The writer rubs her hands excitedly, ignoring the HUGE, gaping plot hole she just created. Smart! readers point out that she has demon energy but Kurama's human eyes, therefore she cannot be his sister.

"But how?" Koenma cries, "did you ever manage to get past all the security in the castle to get here?" Ah yes, back to the plot.

"I," pause, "have taught my little brother all he knows about thievery. Therefore, I am more amazing and awesome and famouser than him."

Koenma blinks. He slowly begins to come out of his daze. Frowning in confusion, he asks "but wait, if you are more famous than he, how come no one ever heard of you?"

The writer blinks. Wait. How did that sentence write itself? Shaking her head, the writer tries to bring the story back on track.

"I let him take the credit for all my heists. I snuck into the castle because I know you have information on his whereabouts. Using my incredible powers, I knocked out the all the guards and simply strode in here." She preened happily.

But alas, too bad for Elmadora, Koenma was regaining mental capacities. "But I didn't hear any sounds of a struggle outside my doors."

"That's because you were singing about wanting boobies," Elmadora said earnestly.

But Koenma was not to be deterred. Pushing a random button on his desk, he said "Agent Ogres numbers 23225, 23226 and 23227, come in.

Silence. Elmadora smiled smugly.

"Repeat, come in Agent Ogres numbers 23225, 23226 and 23227, this is Enma-daiou speaking. If you do not respond, I will have you turned into eunuchs, do you understand?"

More silence. Elmadora preened and ruffled her metaphorical peacock feathers.

Sighing, Koenma reached for another button. "Botan! Get in here you scatter-brained ferry girl!"

Botan pops into existence. She looked over at Elmadora and immediatelyfell into depression over how hideous she was. "Yes, Koenma-sir," she droned.

"Botan, what the hell happened to the guards outside my office doors?"

"Koenma-sama. It's Sunday. It's their day off."

Koenma gapes like an unattractive fish. "Day off?" he screeches, "I am the son of God and my guards have days off?"

"Of course sir," Botan mumbled, staring at her pathetic little breasts and glaring enviously at Elmadora's.

"Well," Koenma spluttered, "I need security! This girl just snuck in here, claiming she knocked out my guards."

Botan laughed hysterically. Her knees gave out and she dropped to the floor gasping for breath. She pounded the ground with her fists, making the office shake. Koenma's eye twitched.

"Botan."

Said ferry girl continued hyperventilating and dying of laughter. Somehow, she managed to choke out: "You – believed – her? This place – is a – fortress! Nothing – is better – protected. There are dragons – at every corner – ready to eat – intruders. Booby traps – everywhere. No one could ever sneak into the castle! Well, except for Kurama and Hiei, but they were pros."

"But then who is she?" Koenma squealed, pointing at Elmadora, who seemed very confused.

Botan glanced at her. "Oh, she's that girl the Spirit Force caught last week. You know, the one that went insane after Kurama rejected her love?"

"Oh," Koenma said, deflating. "Wait, that can't be her! That girl was – ew."

Botan stalked up to Elmadora, who was crying her eyes out by now. Methodically, she pulled off her wig, revealing skimpy, dull hair and a large bald spot. Hitting her on the back of the head, both of Elmadora's contacts popped out. Botan reached down into her shirt and grabbed her boobs, and Elmadora squealed in horror at the lesbian moment, before Botan pulled out two oranges from her bra. She also pulled out the cushion used to make her ass bigger. Last but not least, Botan ripped off the flesh colored sticker over Elmadora's top lip, revealing a dark mustache.

Koenma stared at her in horror.

The writer faints pathetically.

Elmadora bawled her eyes out.

Botan lead her away, patting her back sympathetically.

Koenma stared at Botan's butt as she walked out.

And the smart! readers sigh whimsically, wondering why all Mary Sue fics can't end that way.


	2. Kurama

**Edit 11/28/09: **Fixed more typos.

**Disclaimer:** Still don't Sue. Still pointless.

**Warnings:** bit of language, brief mention of yaoi… meh.

* * *

There is a loud, evil laugh as the writer rises up from the ashes, like a phoenix being reborn.

"Mwahahahaha! I am back and ready to write more Mary Sues!" she cackles. Cracking her knuckles, she sits in front of the computer, her fingers wiggling excitedly.

In the Ningenkai, Kurama was sitting at his desk, listening bright-eyed and attentively to the teacher drone on about physics, because he was, in fact, a nerd, not a thousand-year-old demon who only put up with humanity for his human mother. He was paying such close attention, that the random person from the office had to call his name three times from the doorway before he snapped out of it.

"Ah, yes?" he said, in his perfectly gentalmany voice.

The lady swooned and giggled flirtatiously even though she was several decades older than him. The writer goes on to describe what an ugly hag she was, and how Kurama still acted like a gentleman toward her because he was just so nice.

The Ugly Hag led Kurama to the office, explaining that there was a new student whom the principal wanted Kurama to show around. Never mind that the odds of the principal picking exactly Kurama for the job are extremely slim.

As soon as Kurama entered the principal's office and set eyes on the new exchange student, he froze, stunned. The writer copies and pastes the description of the girl from the previous chapter, changing the color of her hair to pitch black and her eyes to sapphire/azure/turquoise or some other long word for blue. Kurama is simply amazed that a human could be so utterly beautiful. He offered her his hand in a completely gentalmany manner, smiling his most perfect smile and acting all charming.

But wait, what's this? Le gasp! She is not impressed! Oh, horror of horrors! This makes Kurama very shocked and determined to win her over.

Throughout the day, Kurama pines over her, wondering what it is about the girl that makes her so special. "I've never felt this way before!" (Let's ignore for a moment the number of lovers he's sure to have had as Youko). "And alas! Bitter, cruel irony! I have all these females throwing themselves at my feet and the one girl that I LOVE does not return my feelings!"

For the next few days, Kurama repeatedly tries to get her attention, even resorting to flirting with some of his fangirls in an attempt to make her jealous. But it is all to no avail! Oh woe of woes, she does not love him! And with each passing day, Kurama becomes more and more obsessed with her, finding her awesomely cold and mysterious and omg just so damned sexy! This makes all the other girls in the school extremely jealous and bitchy. And ugly. Very ugly.

Plot action!

Koenma summons the Tantei for a random! pointless! mission. Kurama follows Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Hiei to Makai listlessly. Demons attack! The Tantei fight bravely! Kurama pulls some killer moves described in great detail! His gorgeous green eyes and flowing red hair are described now. The other three guys are vastly ignored at this point.

But oh, what's this? The demons are too STRONG! The Tantei cannot defeat them! As unbelievable as that seems, it's TRUE! However, Yusuke is still in his human form, Hiei has not yet released the Dragon, and Kurama hasn't yet transformed into Youko. But they're definitely trying their best, yessireebob.

The demon's impossibly large sword aims with lethal precision at Kurama's heart! Kurama is helpless!

"Nnnnoooooooooo!" screams Yusuke.

"Kuuuuramaaaaaa!" screams Kuwabara.

"Hnnnnn," screams Hiei.

And BAM! The unnamed Mary Sue appears out of nowhere! She kicks ass quickly and has killed all the demons in less than a second. The boys are stunned beyond measure. Koenma pops out of nowhere and declares that her name is Eli and that she is the new member of the team. The boys all nod enthusiastically while Yusuke and Kuwabara make rude, immature comments about her rack. Even Hiei looks interested. Kurama speaks!

"You! H – how?" Ah well. He tried speaking.

Eli ignores him and turns thunderous eyes on Koenma. "I am a yummyrific upperXYZ class demon. I refuse to work with these low-lifes," she declares.

But for some reason, Koenma's word is law, despite the fact that she could kick his ass into next Tuesday, so Eli ends up working with the Reikai Tantei. She saves them at every turn, proving that she has a great deal more knowledge than even Kurama. Gasp!

But along one of these missions, Eli's terrible past is revealed! It turns out she is a forbidden child like Hiei (nevermind that the very reason that Hiei is a Forbidden Child is that he is _male _when all his kin is female…) whose father kidnapped, raped, and tortured her! And she has a terrible prophecy/destiny she must face! This has made her unable to trust anyone. But for some reason, she finds herself really wanting to trust Kurama! Because despite her tough exterior she really is a vulnerable girl at heart who just needs a little love.

Cue the "aaaawwwww"'s.

So after a tear-filled night in which both Kurama and Eli declare their undying love for each other, they proceed to kick ass the next day and defeat the evil demons (whose purpose we're still not sure about) through the sheer power of love. And they all lived happily ever after.

Until Kuronue came back from the dead.

Kurama blinked. "…Kuro?"

Kuronue blinked. "What the fuck is that thing dangling from your arm, Youko?"

Kurama looked down at the bright-eyed girl smiling stupidly up at him, her eyes twinkling with the power of their love. "Kuuuuura-chaaaaaan!" she giggled.

Kurama's eye twitched. "I have no idea." He pried her fingers away with tweezers. "So, you wanna go have sex?"

Kuronue shrugged. "Sure. Though I may be rusty after being dead so long."

Eli bottom lip trembled and she started crying.

The writer dies again.

Kurama and Kuronue… well, we won't say what they're doing.

Another Mary Sue crisis averted successfully!

* * *

… geez.

Um, in case you don't know, Kuronue is a bat demon in the Yu Yu Hakusho movie Poltergeist Report. He's Youko's old partner who died during a botched-up heist.


	3. Hiei

**EDIT 11/28/09: **Where are all these typos coming from?!

**A/N:** Wow. I forgot about this for a while. But I'm in the mood to laugh a bit at several pathetic jokes, so let's get cracking. **Note:** My "writer" is female, because it's usually hormonal girls who write Mary Sues. That's not to say I don't think guys can write Mary Sues.

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapter. It hasn't changed.

**Warnings:** Potential brain cell depravation due to MarySueness Syndrome. OOC crack. Oh, and language. Yes, language.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

After failing on her last two attempts to write a "proper" fic, the writer has returned! Smart! readers groan. Fear the writer!

Hiei is walking down the street, whistling a dark and depressing little melody and sending death glares at everyone around him (nevermind that Hiei wouldn't be caught dead strolling around in Human world like a…well… human). Little girls clutching teddy-bears burst into tears and cling to their mommies. A bunch of thugs randomly try to pick on him. Hiei scares them away with his awesomely scary blood red eyes. One of them pisses himself and Hiei chuckles darkly.

A giggling group of girls approaches him, talking about how cute/hot/weird he is. Hiei loses his temper and slams a fist into the wall, shattering the bricks. The girls all scream girlishly in utter terror, clinging to each other, too dumb to just walk away. Hiei's grin is feral and he proceeds to terrify the girls even more.

Suddenly, a hard voice speaks out from behind him.

"Hey, asshole! You leave those girls alone or I will rip off your scrotum and feed it to you/ kick your fucking ass/ cry like a sissy bitch."

At this point, Hiei would probably turn around and cut that insulting girl up bad, until an inch of death. But somehow, as he gazes upon her, he is in shock and cannot raise an arm to hurt her.

The girl is rather petite, obviously human, with her blond hair in a ponytail on the top of her head. Several strands of hair frame her face, giving Hiei an odd and tender urge to brush them behind her ear delicately. She has light gray eyes that flash angrily at the bully who dares torment poor, innocent girls and full lips that look endearing even pulled back from her lips in a sneer. Hiei's eyes travel down her rockin' bod and blablablabla we've been through this before, she it smokin' hottttt.

Hiei glances down at Little Hiei to find him at half mast, though the situation is totally inappropriate. He frowns at it in confusion.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

But the girl doesn't realize Hiei is talking to himself, literally, and proceeds to answer his question.

"It's fucking assholes like you that I can't stand, always thinking you're better than everyone else. You think that just because you're cute you can walk around this town, terrorizing poor innocent girls? Well, I've got news for you, you motherfucker, I'm not going to take it! You are so going down, bitch!"

For some reason, the only thing that registers in Hiei's mind out of that whole line of insults was that she thought he was cute. He tries to think of something macho and cool to say. Raising a dark eyebrow to look at her superiorly, he clearly intones:

"Hn."

The girls' face registers shock, because they are soulmates, and she can thus understand what he meant.

"What? You sick, motherfucking pervert, I'll kill you!"

The girl draws a fist back and demonstrates her awesome karate/tae-kwon-doe/fanfic abilities. To his immense shock, Hiei discovers that he's actually having a tough time fending of her simple, human attacks. She's just that awesome.

The writer now pauses the fight to detail Hiei's thoughts on the strange girl.

_How can this be? She is a mere pathetic human, how is it she can keep up with me? Why do I feel this way about her? Why do I feel so protective of her? What is this tingling feeling I get in my lower regions? What makes her so special that I suddenly want to carry her babies? Er… wait. No, other way 'round._

Hiei suddenly finds his face shoved in her ample bosom. Blushing to the roots of his hair, he rests there comfortably until he is shoved 10 feet away and he lands on his ass.

"Ow, my buttocks! I'm going to have a big rash on them!"

As he is cooing over his abraded buns, he wonders if the girl would be so kind as to rub a healing salve on them. The thought makes Hiei frown at his groin.

"Oi, Little Hiei! If you don't behave yourself…"

The girl sneers disdainfully at him and walk away, letting the pathetic girls gaggle around her and tell her how awesome she is. A kind smile lights her face, sending Hiei drooling.

_An angel! She is an angel! How can a creature be so passionately, powerfully, angry one moment and an infinitely kind person the next? How, oh how?_

Kurama pops into existence out of nowhere. He kneels next to his FRIEND (the writer emphasizes this point because that's all they are, people, FRIENDS, and yaoi is just… ew) and hides a perfectly knowing smile behind his hand.

"Ah, Hiei. You look so CONFUSED to feel this powerful LOVE for a human. I will assist you through this difficult time in your life!"

"Great. Can you help me with this first?" Hiei points down at the bulge in his pants. Kurama winces at the insinuation.

"I'm afraid only your ONE TRUE LOVE can help you with that. Use flowers to woo her!" Kurama produces a beautiful bouquet of flowers from his hair.

Hiei grabs the flowers and races after her, desperate to get rid of his little problem. "Here!" he screeches, offering the unnamed girl the flowers.

She kicks him in the nuts and walk away. Kurama slides next to him and shoves a box of chocolates in his arms. "Girls like chocolate. They associate it with sex."

"Fox, what is sex?" Hiei asks cutely. The writer squeals at how cute and innocent Hiei is. The smart! readers won't bother to point out the number of years Hiei spent in Demon world, which is bound to be full of indulging demons.

Kurama pats Hiei on the head, again smiling that infuriatingly knowing smile of his. "You will find out soon, grasshopper."

Hiei hops away to the girl and offers her the chocolate. The girl spits on his face. Kurama slides up next to him, and looks after the girl in wonder.

"How utterly fascinatingly intriguing and conspicuously delightful! She is NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS. Any other girl would have fallen at your feet by now. She is AMAZING."

The writer continues to ramble on, having Kurama attribute endless long adjectives to underline how impressive the girl is. Unavoidably, a fight breaks out.

"Keep your lecherous hands off her Fox, I saw her first!"

"Hiei, she obviously doesn't like you, don't be selfish! Maybe she'll like be!"

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

And then Kurama and Hiei proceeded to bitch-slap each other. Kurama easily goes down because he is such a girl.

"Hiei, there's no need to get jealous. She's like a sister to me."

The writer does not explain this sudden change in character. All she knows is that they must make up, because they are BEST FRIENDS.

"That's what I'm worried about!" Hiei snaps.

"What?!"

"She's 'like your sister'! You slept with your sister in your Youko days!"

"I did not!" Kurama exclaims indignantly.

"Excuse me."

Both boys turn to face the Girl, who'd walked up to them and was gazing at them serenely, in a dangerous and mouth-watering way, of course. "You're supposed to be arguing about me, not about a sister who may or may not have existed."

"What's your name?" Hiei blurts out, and then proceeds to blush like a schoolgirl, because he is aware of just how needy he sounds. He then has another internal rambling about how he could feel this way about a human.

"Pl-pl-chaa," she declares.

Hiei feels highly honored to be entrusted with the gorgeous name of this SpEcIaL hUmAn. "Pl-pl-chaa," he sighs dreamily. "So beautiful."

The writer scratches her head and remembers that this is YuYu Hakusho, and therefore something spiritual/demonic must happen. However, bringing in a new character as the bad guy or bringing a bad guy from the show back to life would be UNREALISTIC, so she compromises.

POOF!

Kurama turns into Youko! And he's meeeean! Very mean! He wants Pl-pl-chaa! He wants to carry her babies! Er… oops. I mean, he wants her to carry his babies! With sharp claws, he rips off Pl-pl-chaa's clothes, leaving her in her thong and bra before Hiei stop him with a mighty snarl.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fucking son of a fucking bitch? Do you know who the fuck that is? That's my fucking girl, and if you lay a fucking claw on her again I will fuck you over until you don't know your fucking name! You fucking understand?" Hiei declares.

Youko snarls all prettily before poofing out of existence because he is no longer needed in the story. Hiei kneels down next to the terrified girl. She is sitting on the floor, ample bosom heaving with panicked breaths. Tears shined in those beautiful eyes, and Hiei magically realizes that she was raped in her past.

"Hiei, baby," she whimpers. "Hold me."

Hiei holds her tightly, whispering soft nothings into her ear. He isn't really sure about this touchy-feely stuff, but he tries his best.

"I love you, Hiei," Pl-pl-chaa sniffles cutely into his chest.

"I love you too, baby," Hiei croons.

"Make love to me."

Hiei gasps in gentlemanly horror. "Ah, no, I cannot! You were hurt! You are not ready for this! I would never sully your maidenly honor!"

"I know. You will treat me gently. I am ready for this. I know you are THE ONE."

"Oh baby," Hiei breaths, voice thick with feeling. He sets Little Hiei free, and the sex is amazing, even though they are still in the middle of the street, and Hiei supposedly doesn't even know what sex is. All that is conveniently forgotten.

Later, after the writer composes a lemon worthy of a porn star, Hiei pulls his black clothes over his taut muscles, still glistening with sweat.

"Baby," Pl-pl-chaa purs. "Come cuddle me."

"Sorry, I have to go. Kurama said only my one true love could help me with this –" he gestures at Little Hiei, who is still standing in attention. "I thought that was you, but apparently it wasn't. Maybe he has some special technique of getting rid of it…"

"What? You're leaving me?"

"Yes."

"But we made passionate love in the moonlight, while you healed my emotional wounds from being molested as a little girl!" she exclaims, gesturing at the shining sun.

"Yea, thanks for the lay. Don't bother calling me. Bye."

And with a poof, Hiei was gone, leaving Pl-pl-chaa alone to declare how much she hated men.

The writer keens pitifully as her third fic fails.

And smart! readers sigh in relief.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

A/N: I'm not sure where the name Pl-pl-chaa came from, but it has a certain ring to it, doesn't it?

Feedback?


End file.
